Here's my script.....
No changes the past couple of days....this is what I will work with.........
Improv script as of 6 May 2025
‘PANTOMIME, MULTI-SHIRTED, I
PLACE EASEL ON PODIUM, ADD BIG PICTURE, TAKE OFF YELLOW HANSHIN TIGER HAPI
COAT, ORANGE SHANGHAI TANG LOUD SHIRT, BLUE GRATEFUL DEAD BIKE SHIRT. I STILL HAVE ON A RED ‘ME’ T SHIRT……I BOW…..AND
SAY:
‘THIS IS A HELL OF A WAY FOR
AN OCTOGENARIAN WRITER TO HAWK A FUCKING BOOK!’
My scripted performance
follows…..
Once upon a time I had the
penultimate Los Angeles mid-life crisis – can you top this? : I left the states
in 1990, returned in 2023 and in-between spent only 7 weeks in the U.S. – 7
weeks in 33 years.
I left with the American
dream – a Santa Monica-style family with two cars in every garage ……………and two
cars with on street permit parking.
I came back to discover that
there were no longer gas stations on every corner – you now had to belong to
UCLAHealth…or St Johns….or Cedar-Sinai….or Kaiser – – the new American dream means you need to
belong to something…….…….but only after you’ve filled out a 40 page
questionnaire!
Have you seen these
questionnaires? They look like
English. Read it aloud – they also sound
like English – only I have absolutely no idea what the fuck these things are
trying to get at…..
I’ll talk tonight about
cultural differences in the way medical matters are handled in China and the
U.S. …….…..let me tell you a story about my visit to the bone setter – a system
that best can be compared to going to the chiropractor – only the bone setter
does have approximately 2,000 years of history………. a fucking hell of a long
time that the world has gone through trying to cure a bad back!
Hey, if China can export a
bad back cure, we’ll take it – even with tariffs! – Except, of course for that
economic moron leading this country – we need to give him a really bad back!
Anyhow, we met with the bone
setter in his small office and were then led to a larger, public work room with
about 10 other patients and their family members. All eyes were turned to me, the white guy in
the room, standing there stupidly, not having a clue as to what comes next. And
into the workroom comes this cute, tiny Chinese nurse who comes up to me, gets
down on her knees, pulls my pants down and proceeds to massage my ass……..……no
chiropractor in the US ever cured my back this way
……..…….but in
Thailand?............NO COMMENT!
All eyes turn to see what a
white guy’s dick looks like……..Hey, I am proud of my shortcomings: My Jewish mother taught me that this is 9
inches!!!
Picture this absolutely
beautiful, petite young lady playing with my ass in front of my wife – and
everyone else………..Men pray not to have erectile dysfunction and here I am
focusing my thoughts: ‘oh my god, I do not want to get hard, now’ in front of a
scary fucking audience – my wife and everyone else who were clearly rooting for
something other than that which I was hoping for!
Actually, Katherine was
probably hoping I’d finally be old enough to stay soft, eliminating another
worry of life…..
Today I would have no problem
for something like this: I’m 83 years
old and I’ve outlived my dick!
Actually, Willie Nelson said
this during his 87th birthday party but never repeated it and yet no
comic stole this great line from him ….. comics don’t live long enough to be
able to use the line……then there’s me…..
But as an aside to this
predicament, it is a great way to give you an absolute, 100% accurate
translation between Chinese and Yiddish to describe this crisis. The Chinese term for this is ‘Ai ya!’ And in Yiddish, the perfect translation for
this is “Oi Vey!”
“ The bone setter and other
funny moments are part of Good-Bye and Thank-You!, my 8th book of a
writing career that started in 1979.
I have been a permanent
resident of Hong Kong for over 20 years…..only there are other things I wrote
in that book for which I will be denied entry if I were to return to Hong Kong
and the likelihood that if I tried to return to China, my home of 33 years, I
would be jailed.
If you find what I’ve just
said ‘interesting’, then please download a free Amazon or Kindle Sample or Kobo
Preview and read 10% of the book……if you like it, buy it!!”
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